Ladies and gentlemen,
I will try to explain my current situation.
It’s 12:34am on a Sunday night. I am piss drunk, in the bathtub, attempting to keep my laptop from falling in the water. I have played kickball for the past 10 hours in McCarren Park in Williamsburg, Brooklyn and have pulled every muscle in my body. I need to make it clear… I was made to tell jokes and finger girls… not to catch rubber balls and run bases. Despite my skin’s pigmentation I do not have the athletic ability of a Spanish man. I have blisters on my feet the size of small tomatoes and my right ass cheek feels like it was just kicked by David Beckham (I just peed in the tub… I would say it was just a little, but that would be a lie). My body aches so much, and I’m certain I will not be leaving bed for the rest of the week. Buttttttttttt it was all worth it! Why? Because my team (straight up gangsters) have been molesting our opponents. Not joking… we have molested the other teams (one player was actually raped by our third baseman, but it was during the 7th inning stretch, so it didn’t count as unsportsmanlike conduct). I’m so competitive and love nothing more to beat someone and then throw the loss in their face.
Possible things I might say to someone after my team kicks their ass
- Hey you played a great game… (coughing) for a bunch of pussies.
- You’re team tried really hard, unfortunately you’re all fucking losers… just kidding hehe… oh wait, never mind, you suck.
- Hey maybe next time you can… oh snap, there isn’t a next time… bitches.
- Hey, other guys nice… loss. Ha.
- (What I say as everyone is slapping hands and saying, “good game”) You smell like cow shit. You smell like cow shit. You smell like cow shit. You look like a woman. You smell like cow shit.
We have been the best team for the last two weeks. Next Sunday is the championship… I plan to murder mofos.
Daniel Dickey
Related posts:
