Was I drinking last night? Yes. Was I drinking a lot last night? Yes. Was I standing in the middle of the street on 42nd and 9th at 5:03am with a six pack of Blue Moon, a large bottle of whip cream, and a short Colombian man with dentures and a Chiwawa that wanted to take me to his place to have some ‘drinks’? Um, well…yes. How did this all happen? I personally think I was magic, but it could have been the alcohol. It defiantly could have been the alcohol…or magic.
BLAH BLAH BLAH…So after my 17th beer I was pretty sure I was going to walk to a tattoo shop and get a baby stroller tattooed on my chest. Four beers after that I decided I was going to get a shopping cart tattooed on my foot. Two beers after that I woke up in a sex store. I didn’t find the waking up in a sex store to be all that odd, but since I was dressed as an employee I started to wonder what the fuck happened? In my comatose state did I somehow manage stumble into a sex and smoke shop, apply for a job, get hired on the spot, change clothes, and fall immediately asleep in the flavored dildo isle? Who knows…but I quit the job immediately. My manager said I should of gave a two weeks notice, I started peeing in my pants and walked out.
I kept walking down the street and happened to stumble into a sexy little thing that was at my house party a week earlier. The conversation sounded something like this,
Danny: Hey, you girl!
Girl: Hun?
Danny: You. Tall girl with that short Spanish man next to you.
Girl: Oh my God, Danny! I was at your party last week!
Danny: Damn right you were. (Pointing at the short Colombian man) But you weren’t.
Short Guy: Que?
Danny: Shut up. So girly where do you live?
Girl: In that building right there.
Danny: You got air conditioning?
Girl: Yeah.
Danny: You got a comfortable bed?
Girl: Yeah.
Danny: You wanna see me naked?
Girl: Yeah. That would be really cool.
Short Guy: Yeah, that would be really really cool.
Danny: What?
At this point the girl grabbed the bag the little man was holding and gave it to me. In it there was a six pack of Blue Moon and a bottle of whip cream. I asked her how she knew him. She didn’t, she said he was following her and when she bought gum he bought that stuff and chased after her. I didn’t care to know more. I told him to skedaddle. He began to pout and asked if both of us would like to join him at his house for some Grey Goose. I told him I was a Kettle One guy and already realized he was going to poison us both and eat us. Two large blacks girls escorted by two very flamboyantly gay black guy walked past me, one of the guys said, “Oh damn, that’s the guy from True Life’. I looked over laughing at the fact that they recognized me at 4:48am on 42nd street and 9th ave. We took some pictures, they told me how much they hated the other couple, and one of the guys added me on facebook. The Spanish guy asked me what True Life was. I kicked a stone at him and took the girl over to the side and asked her what her favorite sexual position was. She giggled and said, I don’t know I guess I like them all. Before I could squeeze her butt the little rat of a man walked over and declared he wanted to know what was going on. Blankly I stared at him, his dentures much too big for his small facial frame, wondering what he thought when he looked in the mirror everyday. Before either of us spoke the tall girl walked up, handed him one of his six beers, gave me the whip cream and the other five beers, and said lets go back to my place.
Laying in her Manhattan apartment at 1:15pm this afternoon, eating whip cream and drinking Blue Moon beer, I wondered what this girls name was. I didn’t care. I just wanted to know so I could blog about it. I saw she had a modeling book. In search for her name I opened it and saw all of her modeling pictures. I didn’t find her name and realized I thought she looked way better laying in bed naked than on a runway (Her pictures were sexy, I just preferred her naked). As I was getting ready to leave, she asked if I had to work. I said no. She said, “well would you like to just cuddle in bed all day?” I laughed, polished off my beer with a whip cream chaser, and walked out. It was cute though. Maybe next time.
Getting ready for tonight’s adventure,
Daniel Dickey
Related posts:
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
hahahhahhahahahaha do u’r blogs never make me laugh?!! NO!
I’m Daniel Dickey Dot Com’s BIGGEST FAN.