ANGOLAN WOMAN’S HANDBALL is an Olympic sport and I’m LOVING IT! The way these Angolan women womp that ball with their bare bruisers is incredible. “A racquet, HA that’s for pussies,” the team captain once said that when asked, “Since you use your hands to hit the ball what do you do with the racquet’s?” Most Angolans aren’t associated with handball…Human Jerky, which is made from actual Human flesh, is something most people might identify they with (Manly due to their barbaric name. That in fact is the reason I associated them with that.) BUT it seems they have found themselves another hobby, asides from eating tenderized, simmered, and sauteed, baby flesh.
How did I first become a fan of the Angol’s? Last Saturday I was looking at pictures of my favorite Genghis Khan tattoo’s and happened to find one where he was eating a puppy at summer camp…thing is, the summer camp sign said, “Angolan Women’s Handball is #1.” It made me wonder, if an awesome specimen like Genghis Khan would eat a puppy at a camp which thinks Angolan Women’s Handball is #1, wouldn’t I?
Answer: Yeah, sorta.
I thought they were a pretty rad group of ladies. That was until I saw their secret training video…it’s changed everything. Everyday they wake up a 1:30 in the afternoon and eat sixteen pancakes and three glasses of raw Bear’s milk. After that they head straight back to bed and sleep until 6:00pm. Now this is when the fun starts. At 6:35pm everyday they all take turns raping their husbands and then kill them. Everyday, new husbands. Everyday, dead husbands. The oldest member on the team has been married twenty three thousand times. They kill their husbands as a sign of respect for their team mascot, The Black Widow (And also because they are very mentally disturbed). After the last man is buried they drink various liquors, beers, and pig’s blood, while talking and measuring their hands. Then from 8:00pm to 8:15pm they practice. At 8:16 they are very tired and go to sleep. Goodnight.
The Eleven Qualifications to Join The Team
- Must own three dozen chickens.
- Must have proof of 100 pure Angol blood.
- Must have killed your Brother or Father within the last four years.
- Must always carry an Ivory hunting spear.
- Must pee on flowers.
- Must kill yourself immediately if a match is ever lost.
- Must kill anyone who wears aprons.
- Must be able to drink four gallons of whiskey in eleven seconds.
- Must introduce yourself as a Gorilla.
- Must wash your face with blood.
- Must be able to krump dance to every Ludacris song.
Sadly, the Angolan Woman’s Handball team lost their first match against the Chinese yesterday. All but one has already killed themselves. She said that the rules were outdated and killing herself would be barbaric. There is currently a group of men burning her house down. She will be stoned to death any day.
Goodnight,
Daniel Dickey
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Hahahaha
Lololololol this is definatly new York city at it’s finest. It’s funny, it’s good comedy, good humor. Funny funny funny blog.
Funny ass blog.
I wish I saw them during the Olympics. Danny Dickey Dot Com…shit is bananas.
Daniel Dickey = funniest blog ever.