So I’m only a couple weeks away from my one year anniversary and I’m pretty excited. For those of you who read that and thought, “Wait, what? Since when are you dating someone?” I’m not… it’s my one year break up anniversary. Yep it’s already been a year (if you weren’t a reader of my blog during that period, also know as ‘The Dark Ages’, then feel free to read the magina love rants here).
But back to what’s important… it’s my one year break up anniversary and I plan to celebrate! How? Maybe this email written to my ex girlfriend will help clarify it.
Yo Boo,
What’s up? Miss me (of course you do)? I just wanted to say I miss you as well and hope whomever it is you’re currently hooking up with has a bent penis and a hairy back. If I didn’t tell you then, that night I saw you on Bedford Ave your ass was looking mighty sexy (I guess it’s from all the rice and beans you’ve been eating in Washington Heights). Either way, I’m digging the curves on your fine frame and totally plan on hitting that next time you drunk dial me.
Speaking about drunk dialing, remember last month when I came over to drop off your sandals and instead I got your mouth pregnant… yeah that was fun. We should do it again soon… maybe even at our anniversary party?! What? Huh? Did he say party? Yep motherfucker! June 1st, 2010 is our one year anniversary and I think we should celebrate the shit out of it. But here’s the thing…
I think we should only invite the people we have hooked up with since we broke up. Of course it’s a little off beat, but still a fabulous (to say the least) idea. Think about how much fun it will be to sit around (drunk) listening to all the odd conversations that take place…
Possible Convo
- Girl: So how do you know Stephanie?
- Guy: We dated for a little… I met her on OkCupid. How do you know Danny?
- Girl: I gave him head on a roller coaster.
Another Possible Convo
- Guy: (sounding like a cocky prick) So you’re Danny?
- Me: So you’re the rich guy Stephanie stopped talking to because your dick looked like a toothbrush (I smile and blow him a kiss as he bows his head and leaves the party).
Um yeah, invite that short million who tried banging you in his penthouse, invite that Asian guy you made out with in Maryland, even invite all those dumbfuck guys you dated from wall street, and well, I’ll invite all the girls I’ve written about on my blog… even the fat ones… even the blind one(s). We can do it at your place or mine, it doesn’t matter to me. Let me know what you think.
I Love You Very Much,
Danny
PS: I got really drunk last night and texted your dad saying how I wanted to smear jelly on his face and lick it off… I meant to send it to my dad. Sorry.
Side Note: Stephanie is a wonderful young woman with big dreams and bright future. If we were to actually have an anniversary party there wouldn’t be too many men there (asides from the ones I’ve blown) as Steph has a high level of self respect and knows she’s much too amazing to settle for anything/anyone less than her standards of perfect. Also, very important, the curves caused from the Washington Heights rice and beans are the ideal kind (think Jessica Simpson, not Kristy Alley). She’s a pretty little thang and I’ll consider getting her pregnant next time we fool around.
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
happy to see you two are still close after the break up. i loved you both on the shows.
LOLs @ break up anniversary! Very witty.
hey dickless funny shit congrats
dude i wish i could send my ex a breakup anniversary message but i have no way of even contacting her. youre lucky yours still drunk dials you or has your number at all..
i just thought id commnt because our breakup anniversaries are only a few days apart. i feel your pain.
i wasj ust thinking the other day that soon it would have been a year and how this year has been hell trying to get over it..
hope you find a way to party somehow. sure you will