When you decided to throw a party you’re thinking about all the fun and excitement that comes along with it. Though subconsciously you know everything wont go as planned. Nothing ever goes as planned. Last night as I walked into my kitchen at 4:43am and saw a naked homeless man sitting on top of my dinner table, his dirt blacken balls inside a cold cup of coffee, eating my Fruity Pebbles out of the box and washing it down with pancakes syrup, I realized things weren’t going as planned.
Weeks prior, as I thought about the fourth of July weekend I knew wanted to have a party. My blogs were getting way too Martha Stewart and I knew a party would be the perfect way to bring the ‘Woot Woot So Crazy’ back to my life. I planned to have some friends over, drink a little beer, drink a little wine, and maybe even bake some cookies. Sounds like a lot of fun, right? I spent the whole week cleaning up the apartment (It went from dog shit dirty to frat house clean). I bought 5 18 packs of beer, six bottles of vodka, two tubs of cookie dough, and 60 pieces of bubblicious gum (I don’t know why I bought 60 pieces of gum, it just looked so good in the check out aisle and I figured it would be a good investment). I invited some co workers, some hottie little chicks, and a bunch of Vampires (I actually invited way more Vampires than I should have. They never throw down for beer and always kill everyone who falls asleep).
I got to my apartment around 11pm. There were a bunch of drunk people in my kitchen drawing pictures of dicks and flowers on the table. They said the jello shots I made were fucking stellar. I smiled and put my thumbs up. Most of the Vampires were hanging out in my closet with the lights off. I didn’t see them, but I heard them all laughing in there…I think they were watching Vampire in Brooklyn. Everyone in the living room was either playing Super Mario or playing with the turn tables. A bunch of fun right? Wrong. I brought out the bottles and said something similar to, “Yo mother fuckers we’s about to get real frisky in the mother fucker right here”. Everyone starting cheering and I could here the Vampires hooting in the closet (I wasn’t sure if it was because they were really ready to party or because they planned to eat us all while we were drunk). From there on the vodka was permanently pouring, the jello shots were going quick, and a fat kid off the street was standing on our couch with a sock on his head, dancing to reggaeton music. Within the hour there was 70+ people in our tiny Brooklyn apartment and we decided to take the party up to the roof. Did I think about this in advance? No. Was there a good chance that one of the 70+ drunk people could fall off the roof and die? Yes. Did anyone die? No. Did one of my roommates slip in a huge pudding of old rain water, beer, and Vampire pee and almost die. Yes, and it was fucking hilarious.
It was now about 3:30am. I was extremely drunk, one of my shoes was soaking wet (No idea why), and I had jello stuck to all my fingers (Several gay guys offered to lick it off. I politely declined). I was quickly realizing how much fun I was having, mostly because I kept yelling at the top of my lungs, “WHOOOO I’M HAVING SO MUCH FUN”. But a party ain’t a party without some top shelf vagina, so I spent the rest of the night touching boobies and giggling like a small prepubescent boy. I had my eyes on a real spicy Mexican fajita of a woman. I liked her style. She had on a short dress that was ripped in two places and it showed off all the bruises on her shins. I could totally tell she liked to party so I walked up to her real smooth and said something like, “What’s up there girl. Your hair is looking mad shinny”. She smiled and took a sip from my cup filled with various liquors, wines, and a mango. She said I knew how to throw a really good party. I said, “That’s cool. But what’s up with your bum?” Confused, she said, “What about it?”. I said, “Why’s it covered? A sexy back side like that needs to be exposed. I’m totally getting a baby boner just thinking about it”. She thought it was I was cute and kissed me. Her lips tasted like Hawaiian Punch. This party was a great idea.
Now there was some downsides to the party. Of course the naked homeless man on my tables was totally not planned and very odd. The roommate who slipped in rain, beer, and Vampire piss lost my house keys. Some cute brunette chick that fell asleep in my bed woke up at 7am threw up on the kitchen floor and left. A gay asian boy (Gaysian) broke my free beer sign. And the pizza place was closed when I woke up craving pizza like never before.
The party fucking rocked. I’d talk more shit now, but I’m going out. Hitting up Manhattan with my best friend that came to stay with me for the weekend. You know the deal….”Yo mother fuckers we’s about to get real frisky in the mother fucker right here”
Body Shots,
Daniel Dickey
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
ummm..the next time u have a party invite me! thanks xoxo lol
I wish I was there.