After seeing the popularity of my post, “A conversation with my mother”, I decided to post another one. This took place last night.
Me: Yo mom.
Mom: Yo son.
Me: I need some help with Thanksgiving.
Mom: You need me to send you some turkey recipes?
Me: Na. I need to try and figure out how to convince ‘the girls’ to eat Thanksgiving dinner with me naked.
Mom: Danny, are you still employed? How do you have the time to sit around and think of this stuff?
Me: I’m serious mom. I need something to be thankful for, and what better than naked girls and gravy.
Mom: How about you be thankful that you’re alive and healthy.
Me: Really? If you’re gonna start with that love life stuff I’m going to hang up the phone.
Mom: Did you call me for anything serious.
Me: As if naked girls isn’t something serious! I need you to tell me how to make stuffing.
Mom: Well what kind of stuffing?
Me: The good kind. See this sexy German girl thinks she’s going to make the stuffing and you know how much I love stuffing. So I want to secretly make some stuffing and then just pull that shit out from under the table and be like, “Oh shit! Look what I found. Fuck your stuffing.”
Mom: You’re eating with Germans?!
Me: Just one. But don’t worry; she looks madd Jewish and sexy. Obviously if she tells me I have to take ‘a shower’ first I’m not falling for that one.
Mom: (laughing) That’s not funny.
Me: Then why are you laughing?
Mom: You know your grandfather was in a labor camp for four years?
Me: No, I totally forgot that. I called him last week. He said he likes the Germans, but hates most of his grand kids. He likes me though. I told him he’s my favorite grandfather.
Mom: Your other grandfather isn’t alive.
Me: He doesn’t know that. Did you go to the gym today?
Mom: Danny I have a house to run. I don’t always have time to go to the gym.
Me: You say, ‘a house to run’ like it’s a car dealership. You dust the blinds and maybe mop the kitchen. If you’re that busy why don’t you just do kegels?
Mom: Excuse me?
Me: Kegels. They’re like sit ups for you vagina.
Mom: I know what a kegel is.
Me: Then why don’t you do them? You can do them in the car or in the super market while you buy potatoes.
Mom: Why?
Me: Why what?
Mom: Why didn’t I put you up for adoption?
Me: I wish you did. I’d be living at Angelina Jolie’s house right now eating lobster and taping Brad Pitt shower.
Mom: I’ll email you the recipe for the stuffing tonight.
Me: Cool. Mom?
Mom: So help me if you say something inappropriate and hang up the phone.
Me: I just wanted to say that thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and I really wish you were here.
Mom: Danny that was really–
Me: But it’s probably better you’re not, because I’m going to be popping like 100 bottles and drinking champagne off of my bitches belly buttons.
Mom: I doubt that will be happening. Goodbye.
Me: I love you.
Mom: I love you too.
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
It seems that you didn’t only get your good looks from your mom, but your sense of humor as well. She’s a trip! I love how she goes along with it so well… you guys make a good team. But come on man, kegels? Really?! *Shakes head & Laughs*
Orly, yes he’s inappropriate and vulgar, but *Que sappy music* that’s his way of showing he loves you (as messed up as it is, LoL). Hey, at least he calls!
Sorry I’m going to be wearing my tie
Damn Man! You are one funny totally fucked in the head guy! LOVE IT! I could be having a bad day and I click your icon on my tool bar and BAM I’m laughing my head off. Keep up the good work.
Michele
dick i miss u daddy, i hurd u were down south and didnt call me, i see what you about
You’re the funniest person I know…well I don’t know actually know you…but you’re the funniest person I know.
You’re hillarious
I just wanted you to know I love your site & you probably hate the people who find this site from googling “daniel and stephanie from true life”, but you have an amazing personality, and good looks on top of that.. So congrats on finding out you were with a devil woman, and here’s to finding a girl who deserves you 
have a good one.
Xoxo
-britney
So you’re not with stephanie anymore? This is upsetting… Whaaaa
No, unfortunately Steph and I broke up. But we’re still BFF and text enough other love notes on the reg.