A Letter To Judd Apatow

Judd Apatow,

To nuzzle my chin against the grains of your grizzly beard would be sublime. With the 40 year old virgin you brought me back to the time when I was 40 and also a virgin (I am now 42 and a virgin, so I can no longer relate to the comedy in this movie). Knocked Up dabbled in childbirth. I too dabbled, but can’t delve too deeply, as they still have my former pregnant girlfriend’s death listed as suicide by beating herself in the face and head multiple times, while also kicking herself in the stomach, enough to insure her baby fetus would also die. I told the cops she was a little crazy (Good move on my part, I know). A lot of people don’t know that you wrote Heavyweights. I do. I too used to be 600 pounds and that movie helped me laugh the weight off. We have the same humor. Remember when you wrote Fun with Dick and Jan? You should of called it Fun with Judd and Lester because we would have so much fun together. Have you ever watched the Titantic? I bet we could be just like Jack and Rose. Do you ever think about you being Jack and me being Rose? Or maybe it’s me being Jack and you being Rose? Am I being too naughty? I can get carried away sometimes.

I read Steve Martin was who you looked up too, your biggest idol (Did you go through his trash too)???? I also read he didn’t give you an autograph when you asked for it. Go to the glove compartment of your car, in there you will find a Caucasian males hand. I bet you won’t have a problem getting Steve Martin penmanship now! Hehe just kidding, that’s not Steve Martin’s hand. BUT, and this is a big but, if you wanted to play a really good practical joke on Steve, we could cut his hands off (I’ll take care of the cutting. Have you ever seen Donnie Brasco?)

A Scene

Steve: Hey Judd.
Judd: Hey Steve. I was wondering if maybe I could get you to sign something for me?
Steve: (Holding up his stubs) Judd I have no hands.
Judd: HAHA me and Lester tricked you real good!

Another Scene

(Judd waves at Steve with both hands)

Judd: Hey Steve.
Steve: Hello Judd.
Judd: I was wondering if maybe you could sign this book for me?
Steve: Judd I have no hands.
Judd: Oh yeah, I’m sure. You could have just said no. You’re the same asshole you were ten years ago.

(Judd walks away smiling. Steve stands there scratching his head. Well, it looks more like he’s just flopping his arm stubs onto the top of his head to relive the itch. He has no success).

Question? Why’d you start wearing those blue socks to bed? I thought the black ones looked great (Probably Leslie’s choice. lol you married a Mann. Get it? Leslie Mann! We have the same humor, I know). While were on the subject of your wife, would you please tell her to STOP locking the sliding glass doors. Getting in through the broken skylight is not only a waste of time, but it’s also terrible on my back. You should of seen me last week (I wish you did). I was in bed all day after climbing through that six times in one night. Question? And you don’t have to answer this if you don’t want (Please do it’s KILLING me). Did you realize I swept up your hair at the salon last time you got your hair cut? I think you did. I glued it to my face. It was like were twins.

A Scene

Judd You: Hey I’m Judd Apatow
Judd Me: No, I’m Judd Apatow.
Judd You: What? Did you glue my hair to your face? Oh my fucking GOD! Holy… what’s wrong with you? You’re nuts. I’m calling the cops you fucking weirdo.
Judd Me: But Judd, we’re twins (sad face).

I wrote a joke for you. What is your favorite section in the grocery store? Produce! LOL LOL!! Get it cause your a Producer! I wish you would cum on my face.

I want you to take this as my official audition to be in your next movie. And Judd I have heard all about the ‘Casting Couch’ and want you to know, what happens on the couch stays in my mouth. Yeah I mean it the dirty way. So dirty. I will personally put this in your mail box now. But first I need to finish eating this bowl of your toenail clippings.

You’re biggest fan/boyfriend,

Lester

Lester your balls are on my chin, I’m not happy ;0(

BIG LOL you’re probably dieing laughing right now. You better be. I’m watching.

PS: If you could leave tonight’s leftovers in the microwave rather than the fridge, I’d really appreciate it. It’s a real pain looking through everything in the fridge. Also I just realized your dog’s name is Lester as well. Which makes me wonder? That bowl of water on the kitchen floor that says ‘Lester’… how will your dog know that you leave that out for me? Just something to think about.

A Letter To Michael Ian Black

Tagged as: 40 year old virgin, A letter to Judd Apatow, celebrity interview, comedy, comedy essays, director, hilarious pictures, humor, Judd Apatow, Knocked up, penpal, producer, Seth Green, Steve Carell, super bad, will ferrell

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Stranger Danger October 15, 2008 at 10:08 am: lol not one of your normal blogs.
Jenny October 15, 2008 at 10:09 am: I wonder what would happen if Judd Apatow ended up reading this? You’re site is sick.
Mariah October 15, 2008 at 10:09 am: I’ve printed out all of your stuff to read while I’m in class.
Me, Who Else October 15, 2008 at 10:10 am: Can I run your fan club?
westindianprincess August 28, 2011 at 3:57 pm: This article makes me think of Eminem’s song Stan.

Lmao at the second scene. Ha I could see that actually happening.
Write out some of your skits.
A dream of mine was to be on Saturday Night Live
I think you have the possibility of being a cool writer/actor on that show.
I have no idea how one would audition though.

I loved 40 year old virgin.

So far im on my way to becoming one.

Wish me luck.

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