So I was going through my normal playlist at work, when I played my first Chris Brown song of the day. Usually I find little Chris to be a foot tapping, rump shaking, sure fire way to appease young ethnic girls. But this day was different. No feet were tapping. No rumps were shaking. No young ethnic girls were appeased. Was Chris Brown no longer ‘a hit’?
That’s when I heard.
Chris why did you slap the shit out of Rihanna? Was her forehead giving you dirty looks again? Did you she tell you to shut up and drive? Did you find out about her hooking up with Dean Cane’s younger brother Austin?
I think I should make it clear that I am on your side, because I’m 3-400 percent sure she deserved it. A lot of people don’t understand a girlfriend is not just someone you call fat when they take their clothes off. They’re not just the people that cook our food whenever we say, I’m hungry you little slave. Girlfriends are suppose to be our punching bag…if not them, then who? If you can’t beat up on a women then who can you beat up on? I know your feeling me Chris. See me and you have a lot more in common than you think.
You know ever since I was 12 all I’ve ever wanted wanted to be was black and a R&B singer. Guess what? You just so happen to be black and a R&B singer. Exactly. Is it a miracle? Or how about this little fact. When I was 8 I drew the first tattoo I planned to get. It was of a skull with a halo over it. I wanted to get it on my hand. 10 years later you go and get a tattoo of a skull with a halo over it…on your hand! Brothers? Yeah probably. Last but not least…ever since I read in a Vibe magazine that your favorite food is mashed potatoes with mustard, my favorite food has been mashed potatoes with mustard. Cowincidence? Fate? Magic!
So Chris I think it’s imperative that you know I’m here for you right now. I don’t even care that Jay Z is sending his whole posse to have you murdered, I’ve got your back. Matter of fact by the time you read this you should expect to be released from jail, as I have sent $50,000 cash to the county court to be posted as your bond (I did not actually send real money, I just sent a half eaten bag of Cheetos, but trust me when I say, no one in their right mind is going to turn down a bag of delicious Cheetos). Everything is going to be fine.
PS: I know it’s hard being in jail, try not to forget that I’m out here waiting for you.
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Mashed Potatoes with mustard? Is that for real? EW!
I wish I had some Cheetos…