Several minutes ago I woke up on my couch, drunk, fully clothed and had a pair of my roommate’s socks on my hands. I’m not sure how or why I was there. As I write this I’m attempting to piece together back my day.
I recall waking up at 10:15am to get ready for my restaurant’s 12pm softball game at Central Park. I then remember thinking, “fuck this stupid game” and went back to sleep. I was up and out of my house at 12:05pm with the same baseball glove I worn during my coveted baseball career (When I was 8, I played three full games on a suburban travel team sponsored my McAurther Dairy, before I told my parents baseball sucked and I wanted to play soccer instead. My father shook his head and called me a faggot under his breath, to which my mother laughed and threw something at me.) Before getting on the train I made a pit stop to the ghetto bodega next store to purchase the finest malt liquor three dollars could buy… Olde English, and on my way out I watched the owner of the store, a seventy year old Puerto Rican man, flirt with a 13 year old retarded girl. I think what he said exactly was, “that’s a nice razor scooter you have. Have you ever showed someone your ‘tetas’ for some free ice cream?” She shook her head no as he pulled out a good humor bar and patted his lap for her to sit. She might be dead.
I strolled onto the field around 12:45pm ready to get drunk and meet some girls without morals. Unfortunately most of the girls seemed claimed by the guys showing off their big muscles on the softball field. But I wasn’t going to let that hold me back so I did what I do best, I started lying to make myself look better. I went for the gold by walking up to some cute Asian girl and informing her that my dick was as big as a dinosaur. She blinked a couple times before informing me she was one of my corporate bosses. I thought about that before I replied with, “ohhhh in that case, my dick is bigger than a dinosaur.” Maybe I’ll get a raise? I then went after some girl who walked by with legs like Michael Phelps. On a serious note, her tight ass looked like two cantaloupes duct taped together, and I informed her of this when I said,
- Me: Hey you’re ass looks like two cantaloupes duct taped together.
- Her: How is it appropriate to say that to a girl you just met?
- Me: How is it appropriate that you still have your shorts on?
- Her: Excuse me?
- Me: No, excuse me… for not getting you pregnant already. You like cereal?
- Her: What?
- Me: I’m saying, when you wake up at my place in the morning I’m thinking about making you some Honey Bunches of Oats. You down?
She added me on Facebook 30 minutes later.
After that I partially remember walking to a bar on 81st and Amsterdam to play beer pong. I had had nine beers at this point and decided if I didn’t eat a turkey sub I was going to die. So I got up and told everyone I’d be right back, “I was just going outside to pet a dog.” Why I said this, I have no clue, but it made perfect sense at the time. I walked to 77th street before realizing Subway was on 86th. Twenty minutes later I got there, drunk, hungry, and lethargic, and ordered two 12 inch subs. This where everything gets blurry. I know I got on the train at 86th and Broadway, but the next thing I remember I was at 14th street and 6th ave sleeping next to a bum on a bench. When I woke up he had his head on my shoulder and I was attempting to braid his beard hair. At some point we bought and shared an ice cream, licking the same vanilla scoop from the cone, until I told him, “I’d be right back, I was just going outside to pet a dog.”
At some point after that I know I walked onto the l train and pushed a pregnant women to the floor in order to get the last seat. Looking back I obviously regret this, but what the F, I just shared an ice cream with a bum I met on the two train, I clearly wasn’t all there. I was grumpy and desperately needed to get home. Just before I fell asleep in the corner seat I managed to look at the time… it was 6:36pm. I was woken up at my stop by someone I went to college with at 8:53pm.
- Guy I Went To College With: Danny. What are you doing? Why are you holding hands with a bum with braids in his beard (I’m still so drunk. I scratch my head, push him out of my way and don’t remember anything else).
So that’s what I last remember. It’s 1:05am now and I’m wide awake eating a box of Runts while I finish braiding the rest of my new boyfriend’s beard. Holler.
Going Outside To Pet A Dog,
Daniel Dickey
{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
lol I love you.