Due to both of our quick wit and lack of editing inappropriate comments, I often have interesting conversations with my mother. This was our conversation this morning.
(This is a picture of my mother and I at my Bar Mitzvah…three days before my 19th birthday…I skipped a lot of Hebrew school).
Mom: What are you doing?
Me: Just got out of the gym.
Mom: How’s the weather?
Me: Cold and rainy.
Mom: It’s 70 degrees here. You ready to move back home?
Me: Mom, New York is my home.
Mom: Danny just come home, I’ll cook for you.
Me: Mom I got bitches cooking for me.
Mom: Jt moved home. I bet his mother is feeding him good.
Me: Yeah he did move home. You know what happened? He got fat and he’s not getting any poon.
Mom: Danny you have your whole life to get poon. I’m not going to make you cheese omelets forever.
Me: Mom, don’t even joke about that shit. You know how much I love cheese omelets.
Mom: Didn’t you say Tara (my wonderful roommate) was out of town? I bet you’re really missing your momma right now.
Me: Actually being home alone reminds me of being in your womb.
Mom: Danny, what’s wrong with you? How do you think this stuff up?
Me: I’m a scientist.
Mom: I sometimes wonder how you’re my child.
Me: Well ever since you started listening to country music I often wonder how you’re my mother.
Mom: You hear that? That’s you sister, Paris, eating the breakfast I cooked…her second serving.
Me: Maybe she should have stopped at one. She’s 12 and has boobs the size of my head.
Mom: (to my sister) Paris your brother says if you’re boobs don’t get smaller you’ll never be able to marry a Jonas Brother. (to me) She said if your mouth doesn’t get smaller you’ll never be able to marry anyone.
Me: That’s fine with me. You know I’m all about fingering hoes.
Mom: What did you just say?
Me: (casually backtracking) I said I had my finger in my nose.
Mom: No you said fingering hoes. I told you about using that language in front of me.
Me: Mom you want me to lie to you? I can’t help that I love vaginas.
Mom: I’m happy you love vaginas. (to sister) Paris cover your ears. (to me) I don’t want to hear about your love for vaginas.
Me: Would you rather me love dicks?
Mom: Yes. Love dicks.
Me: I can’t. I love vaginas.
Mom: I’m going to throw my phone at you.
Me: Mom, since I’m in Brooklyn and you’re in Florida, I don’t think it will hit me.
Mom: Oh ha ha Danny. Didn’t you call me crying last week about Stephanie?
Me: No. What are you talking about? Shut up!
Mom: (mimicking me) Mommy, I’m so sad.
Me: Stop it!
Mom: (still mimicking me) Peaz mommy I miss my girlfriend. I just watched, When Harry Met Sally, and I’m soooo sad.
Me: Mom…I’m getting on the train.
Mom: Ok, I love you.
Me: I love you too.
Mom: Call me in the morning.
Me: Ok. Bye.
Mom: Bye.
Me: Oh Mom?
Mom: Yes.
Me: Fingering hoes!!!! (I hung up before she could respond)
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Hahahaha! This is my favorite one yet!
Hilarious conversation! My mom is always asking me to move back too. Keep doing your thing in Brooklyn…we go hard
I love your mother sooo freakin much
I almost died laughing at this part:
Mom: Danny, what’s wrong with you? How do you think this stuff up?
Me: I’m a scientist.
Mom: I sometimes wonder how you’re my child.
You talk to your mom almost as freely as my brothers and I talk to our mom. I think you’re a tad more free (not sure if I’d say “hoes” to my mom, though I did explain to her what it meant once, haha!). I love your mom’s responses though, maybe you Should move back and incorporate her into some of your comedy, LoL! Don’t worry about poon, take your girl with you (not that there isn’t plenty of barbies there).
Danny, WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH YOU????
You are “NUCKIN’ FUTS”! ONLY A MOTHER LIKE ME, CAN LOVE A SON LIKE YOU.
So, when are you coming home? LOL, everytime I make my cheese omelets I think of how much you would love to have one. As a matter of fact, I remember when you asked me how to make my special chicken cutlets… and I wondered why? You were making dinner for Minnie Mouse… I thought that was very sweet of you. Enough reminiscing, get your butt back home…I L U XOXO
Danny- I heard your blogged missed me! Hahah this shit is funny (as usual). Your poor mother- You make dinner for Minnie Mouse? Hahah! I am going to have to pull out the family album next time I come over…
I get plenty of poon, thank you.
You’re sooooo funny. I’m reading this out loud and laughing my head off.