It was February 15th and I was hungover at the gym. I just finished a set of starring at the weights while thinking, “I really don’t feel like lifting you” as my phone rang. It was my mother.
- Me: Yo.
- Mom: Yo. What are you doing?
- Me: At the gym. What’s going on?
- Mom: Well, I just got out of the doctor’s–
- Me: And?
- Mom: My fibroid is out of whack, again.
- Me: What does that mean?
- Mom: Remember last time something was wrong with my fibroid I lost 20lbs? It was because there was calcium in my blood. And this time I gained 25lbs because there’s–
- Me: Bagels in your blood?
- Mom: (Laughing audibly) What did you say?
- Me: Anytime I’ve spoken to you in the past six months you’ve been out to eat. So if you gained 25lbs I don’t think it has to do with a ‘fibroid out of whack’… but more to do so with your appetite out of whack.
- Mom: My doctor doesn’t seem to think so.
- Me: Well your doctor hasn’t seen you finish off a plate of penne ala vodka and strawberry cheesecake.
- Mom: (her laughing turns into a uncomfortable “ow”)
- Me: What?
- Mom: (sighing) I went to my OB/GYN yesterday and my breast are still very sore.
- Me: What?! Why would you boobs be sore?
- Mom: Because he had to–
- Me: He?! What are you going to a male gynecologist for?
- Mom: Because he’s a good doctor.
- Me: Good doctor my ass! He’s a pervert.
- Mom: (Ignoring me) He was giving me a mammogram and really flattened out my breast. They’re were like pancakes.
- Me: Pancakes?!!!
- Mom: Yeah. He’s a good doctor, but he was a little too rough and I’m–
- Me: You go in for a mammogram and this guy’s trying to make breakfast! So help me if he had syrup in the office. Don’t you have one of those things in the shower that shows you how to check yourself for boob lumps?
- Mom: Danny I’m almost 54 years old… I need to be check out by a professional.
- Me: Ok. When do you want an appointment? I’ll set you up with a female doctor.
- Mom: What did you do last night for Valentine’s Day?
- Me: I helped ghetto 18 year olds get laid by playing 90’s love songs while I gave them shout outs at work.
- Mom: You go out afterward?
- Me: Yep.
- Mom: With who?
- Me: _________.
- Mom: Oh! Well… look… at… that. Where’d you two go?
- Me: My apartment.
- Mom: Isn’t it funny how things work out?
- Me: What worked out? We didn’t take a horse drawn carriage around central park. We got drunk and I took her back to my place at 3:30 in the morning.
- Mom: Well then I guess it’s safe to say you ended the night with a bang (my mother laughs to herself, as she thinks she made a really racy joke).
- Me: Yes mom, I did end the night with a bang.
- Mom: (Still laughing) Would that be categorized as emotionless sex? (Highly sarcastic) Like, do you think you’ll remember her name?
- Me: (Shaking my head, as I realize my mother has been reading my blog) Yes mom. I think I will remember her name.
- Mom: Just making sure, because you wrote a whole article about…
- Me: I know what I wrote. Ok, I’m going to finish working out. I’ll call you when I’m done.
- Mom: I’ll be out to lunch, so if I don’t pick up leave a message.
- Me: I thought you just got back from breakfast?
- Mom: Danny you don’t know what it’s like to be pregnant.
- Me: You’re not pregnant.
- Mom: Yes I know, but this fibroid sure is making me hungry like I was.
- Me: Well with the threading of your pants in mind, I hope you give birth relatively soon.
- Mom: Bye.
- Me: Goodbye.
Making Pancakes And Watching Movies Online,
Daniel Dickey
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
gyno male doctors are the worst. i like your mom… <3
I NEEDED A GOOD LAUGH JUST ABOUT NOW. THX! YOU MIGHT BE SILLY, AND EXAGGERATE AT TIMES, BUT YOU DO MAKE ME LAUGH… SOMETIMES. I LOVE YOU DANNY!! XOXO
Mom you do realize if you hit the button that says ‘Caps Lock’ everything won’t be capitalized?
Oh, hey, I’m writing my own comments again, silly me, I thought for a second it was three hot chick trying to simultaneously sucmeoff while gurgling DanielDickey.com, my mistake.
So you’re not a fan? Shucks!
Rofl, Danny. You and your mother have the best conversations.
<3