- Mom: Danny why does it say you’re teaching yourself to lactate on your Facebook?
- Me: Well… because I’m teaching myself to lactate.
- Mom: You know a lot of our family members are friends with you on Facebook. What are they going to think when they see that?
- Me: They’re going to think, “Wow, Danny’s teaching himself to lactate.”
- Mom:(my mother sighs out loud)
- Me: Mom you’re the one that told me to pursue my dreams.
- Mom: And producing breast milk is your dream?
- Me: One of them. I have other dreams. I want to be the first Asian to walk in space.
- Mom: I’ve told you before, you’re not Asian!
- Me: Way to crush my dreams mom.
- Mom: (again my mother sighs out loud)
- Me: Why should I keep going to the Spanish bodega next door and buying a gallon of milk that expires after two days, when I can drink fresh milk from my nipples.
- Mom: Can we have a normal conversation?
- Me: This is a normal conversation.
- Mom: No. My 23 year old son telling me he wants to drink milk from his nipples is not a normal conversation.
- Me: Fine. Can I ask you something?
- Mom: What?
- Me: Remember when you were pregnant and you had that machine that pumped the milk from your boobs so you could always have fresh nipple milk for the baby?
- Mom: (annoyed) What about it?
- Me: You think you could send that to me? I’ve been shopping around for one, but they’re just too expensive. One lady on Craigslist said she would rent it to–
- Mom: None of my friend’s sons do this stuff.
- Me: That’s because they didn’t have a mother who told them to chase their dreams. They’re going to work for the city cleaning sidewalks and being losers their whole life. I thank you for all of this. When Time magazine interviews me because I’m the first man to lactate and/or the first Asian to walk in space, whichever comes first, I’m going to say it’s all thanks to you.
- Mom: No. I want nothing to do with the idiotic things you do. I told you to be doctor.
- Me: Well I told you, I will be a doctor when there’s one that specializes in kissing beautiful women. That’s it. Nothing else. They come into my office, they kiss me a couple times and feel better than ever before. My mouth is like the fountain of youth for fine ass chicks.
- Mom: What girl is going to kiss a man that produces breast milk?
- Me: I’m ignoring that comment. (after a pause) Ok well, I have to get back to the farm.
- Mom: (very confused) Get back where?
- Me: That’s what I call my kitchen now… it’s where most of the milking goes on.
- Mom: Damnit Danny! (my mother hangs up as I stay on the line laughing)
Later that night I poured milk all over my chest, took a picture and tagged her in it. She deleted me off of Facebook a couple hours later.
Daniel Dickey
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Very funny Dickey. Speaking of which, I got a dickey for Christmas. Classic. My cousins (who also recieved dickeys in a variety of colors) and I are going to make a calendar with photos of us wearing nothing but our sweet, hot dickeys! You should be on the cover.. Dickey with a dickey.. with a dickey. ha ha it just doesn’t get old. ha.. nipple milk…
Oh Sherr….you always have something spicy to say!! I’ll be the first one to hang that calendar on my fridge.
That’s pretty hilarious. Sounds like a conversation I would have. Any luck with the lactating… Or being Asian?
LOL you are great.
wow ur older than me, i always thought we were around the same age. Ur supposed to be giving wisdom and advice and awesome life experiences. A role model or something bestowing knowledge.
anyways….
LMBO @ the last sentence.
Btw- milk is disgusting it has enzymes and mucous and all kinds of bacteria. I applaud ur efforts to make ur own milk. Why should ppl drink cow milk i don’t see cows buying ppl milk smh.
Advice on living in NY( from some1 dat was born dere)- dont drop the soap
oh yeah. i used to think i was asian (cause i have asians in my fam) and told my whole class i was mixed with chinese. -_-