An Adventure With A Pirate Named Gilligan

He said he was a Pirate from India. I said he had very defined calf muscles for a bum. He said his name was Gilligan and if I followed him to his underground layer/cave in lower Manhattan he would share all of his gold and a treasure with me. I stopped and thought about his offer. Still thinking, I looked him up and down. He smiled at me. His rotting teeth were covered in a blackish tar and salted peanut chunks. His dirty Santa Claus beard wrapped around his face and connected to his sideburns and wrapped around his freckly bald head. Though one of his toes were hanging out, his blue converse shoes matched his European capri pants and his peeling sky blue nail polish. He was drinking sewer water out of a golden goblet that said Queen Bee in multi colored rhinestones (did he steal this from lil Kim or was this from his treasure…I could only wonder?) If you were every wondering what Shrek would look like if he was a homeless pirate man sitting by the entrance to the F train, now you know. He stood up wrapped a red cape (beach towel) around his neck and asked if I was coming? Not yet convinced I asked, “You sure it’s real pirate treasure?” “Of course you fool!” He dumped the rest of the sewer water over his head and headed down the stairs. I chugged the rest of my beer, shrugged my shoulders, and chased after him.

I caught up to him in front of the turnstile, he was peeing on a child as he spit sunflower seeds at a dog. Ignoring the pee soaked child I asked him if he needed a swipe? He looked at me confused, “who the fuck are you?” Before I could answer, he punched himself in the face and said, “I’m sorry, allow me”. He kicked in the emergency exit and gave me a thumbs up, “After you sir”, he said in a British/Spanish accent. I walked through the entrance and knew it was going to be a special night. He kept jumping down the stairs in hopes of making his red cape (beach towel) fly behind him. It didn’t work and he fell down at least twenty steps. He got up immediately after, grabbed someones pizza, licked it, and threw it against the wall. There was a good chance this pirate was high on methamphetamines…and that meant fun.

While starring at the pizza slide down the dirty subway wall Gilligan grabbed my hand and asked if I was ready to go inside his secret layer? Making sure this wasn’t him asking if I wanted to fuck him in his asshole I confirmed, “You mean where you keep your treasure, right?” “Duh, fuck you think?” He jumped into the subway tracks and told me to follow his lead. Even in my drunk state I realized that there would be a good chance I would be hit by a subway car or electrocuted by the third rail. I asked if there was another way to get to his pirate cave? He threw his shoe at me and said to hurry up before the witches and warlocks see me. I didn’t know the witches and warlocks were watching so I quickly crawled down into the tracks. He told me if I wanted to turn back to do it now. I was drunk and looking for some fun…I was ready for an adventure.

The ground beneath us was wet and filled with garbage. It smelt like burnt hair and as I stepped into the subway mud I wondered how much further the bat cave was. We must have walked for twenty minutes when he started yelling at the top of his lungs, “Skeet Skeet Skeet, Shawtie Where You At? Skeet Skeet” He then started doing a bird call that resembled that of a scared pigeon or Birdman from cash money. Seconds later a 6′3 black woman with an adams apple crawled out of the darkness in leopard stilettos and football pads. She barked a couple times and asked where the money was? He replied, “I ate it. And I’ll eat you if you don’t finish building the boat before the trolls get here”. It was obvious this guy meant business, and even though he looked like Santa Claus with a heavy drug addition and painted finger nails, I respected him. The large football player/man/woman/alien scurried back into the darkness as I asked, “are we there yet?” “Almost”, he said in a Harry Potter type voice. We walked for a couple minutes when he said, “Fuck, I think I’m lost. Wait. No. Wait. Never mind. I found it”. He said I would have to splash my face with the murky subway water before I could enter…I didn’t come this far to puss out, but I also didn’t want to turn into Splinter from the ninja turtles. He said it’s the same water the rats drink, so it has to be clean. Of course I thought. I closed my eyes, covered my mouth, and pinched my nose as he playfully splashed the water at my face. I thought for a second I felt a slug crawl into my ear, he said it was for sure just a cockroach and not to worry. Why would I be worried? I was starting to get worried.

He knock on the wall three times, spat on both of his feet, and opened a door in the floor. In a very impressive pirates voice he said, “are you ready to see the very best pirates booty”. Again before answering I made sure he was still talking about treasure and not his bum. I said, “yes, I’m very interested in pirates treasure. But if you mean an actual pirates booty, then no, I want nothing to do with a pirates booty. I just would like treasure”. He said he would pierce my ear with a nail and let me into the cave. I walked in and couldn’t believe my eyes. I almost fainted. I was standing in a little 6 by 6 cement room filled with dead fish. “Argg. Feast your eyes on the finest gold in all thee land”. Was this mother fucker serious? I just walked around in the gross ass subway for half a hour to be brought to a room full of dead fish. “Dude, this room is filled with dead fucking fish”. “What me pirates ears didn’t hear you. Did you say there’s so much gold in here you would need 1000 camels to bring it back to your castle?” “No I didn’t say that. I didn’t say anything like that. I said you told me you were taking me to your underground castle filled with gold. This is an old storage room filled with dead fish and used mop heads”. “Have you never seen gold before? You foolish boy. Can you not see the jewels in this crown?” He was holding a umbrella. I sobered up pretty quick and realized this guy was no longer cool. He was fucking insane. I started walking away when he grabbed me by my neck. “Where are you going you little mouse?” I realized how big this guy actually was and if he wanted, he would be able to have his way with my slim little body. I tried to think of something quick, “I was going to find a bathroom. I really have to poop”. “Oh. Well you can just poop here in my hand”. He stuck out his huge hand as he started grabbing for my belt. He was going to eat me. I always get myself into some ridiculous situation with murders, pedophiles, and serial killers whenever I’m drunk. “Hurry up and poop. I’m hungry. ROAR ROAR”. My heart stopped and I started saying my goodbyes, when the huge football playing black man women ran up out of breath. “Master the trolls have come”. “Is the boat done”. She looked away as she said, “no”. “You fool! We will all die!” He kicked her in the stomach and started running down the subway as he yelled, “Quick to the spaceship!” She got up and ran after him. I just stood there for a minute or two thinking about what just happend. I then walked back to the subway, got on the train and went home. I don’t think I’m going to ride the F train ever again.

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