The 21st was my 24th birthday, and I drank like a 18 year old. My lack of ‘blogage’ is due to a six day hangover that has just begun to pass. I haven’t been to the gym in twelve days and can’t fit into any of my roommate’s bikinis (sometimes on my days off I put on her bikinis… I’m not sure why I do this). I am beyond fat. Every time I put on a pair of shorts I feel like a whale trying to squeeze into a washing machine. As I waited for the subway on my way back from Target, I played a game called… ‘rub my ugly head and watch how many hairs fall out.’ I’m bald. During the last round I counted forty falling hairs after only two rubs. I ended the game early and spent the rest of the wait crying internally. Lately I’ve caught myself letting out a depressing sigh every time I see myself in the mirror… one similar to the noise a mellow man would make after realizing his penis has shrunk three inches. Last week they hired a new server at my job. He had a thick head of hair, a six pack and a perfectly defined jawline. After training him for his first day, I recommended to management that we terminate him. When asked why I said, “I saw him eating a chicken quesadilla out of the garbage.” The boy was a vegan… I was being a hater. Blah. I’m going to stop typing now, as I need both my hands to stuff my fat face with peanut M&M’s.

Bald and fat,

Daniel Dickey

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Yo trick, party at my house. If you read my blog you’re invited.

Party To Celebrate Exiting My Mother’s Vagina 24 Years Ago

So I usually don’t throw birthday parties, because getting older reminds me that I’m balding, extremely unsuccessful and haven’t done anything I planned to do with my life…. BUT I did just get an awesome new apartment and really don’t feel comfortable living in it until I get belligerently drunk with my friends (all four of you) and family (Tara is my… brother).

The apartment is one block away from the L train. For those of you that STILL haven’t been to Brooklyn… you will not get shot*.

Don’t bring people who pee on the floor and/or people who tend to steal laptops. If thinking about stealing my laptop I will crush you.

There will be beer (if you consider PBR beer) and food (Doritos), but like most parties all the good beer and food is gone before anyone cool gets there, so you should probably come with your own drank/bitches & hoes.

Holler.

*Well, probably won’t get shot.

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Though I’m not ready to settle down, I think if I was, this is the type of lady I’d like to settle down with.

Doh,

Daniel Dickey

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When you gotta dance… you gotta dance.

I love the videographers reaction of, “oh shit” after his friend was just HIT by an ice cream truck.

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After two years in the awe-inspiring New York City I’m once again (I think I tried this at the 6 month and 1 year mark in New York) attempting to assess and evaluate my goals and personal purpose in New York, and in life.

I know my overall aspirations haven’t swayed much since I first boarded a plane in Miami Beach many moons ago, but I’m am alert to the fact that in the past year I’ve truly begun to get a deeper grasp on life. By life I mean… I’m going bald and I’m not as rich and successful as I planned to be. I’m also severely malnourished and haven’t bought a new pair of black shoes in 19 and a 1/2 months. New York really is the city of dreams… well, if your dream is to work at a job you can’t stand and pay overpriced rent in an apartment that you share with a lesbian and a family of cat size rats. Thankfully, that was my dream all along!

The question really is what do I want to be and what can/will I do to obtain it? At the moment these are all things I would like to do before I die.

• Screen writer
• Stand up comic
• FBI agent
• Playwright
• Dog trainer (I’d only train them to eat foreigners)
• Restaurant owner
• Olympic gold medalist
• Movie producer
• Pilot
• Home flipper
• Movie director
• Broadcast journalist
• Body builder
• MMA fighter
• Host of American Idol
• Host of The Tonight Show
• Owner of WalMart’s biggest competitor… PaulMart (I plan to change my name to Paul before the grand opening)
• Vampire (obviously this isn’t a profession… I would just like to be on for a day. I think it would be fun.)
• Actor
• Published author
• Pole dancer (it pays well)
• King (I don’t care of what country, as long as I get a crown)

Here’s to figuring out life during my third year in New York,

Daniel Dickey

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So they say you should never assume. I assume it’s because there’s a high possibility your assumption is completely wrong. If and when your assumption is totally wrong you’re going to feel like a complete douche bag and/or little bitch. Example:

I am on the L train. It’s late Wednesday night and I just worked a double. My cheap Keds look-a-like shoes have holes in the bottom and my feet are pounding. There’s construction going on and I know if I don’t get a seat I’ll be standing up for another 30 minutes… that is not an option. As soon as the dirty subway doors open, I rush past the drunk bum with a bike and the Asian couple making out, to get the last seat on the first car. I think to myself.

• Me: I run this shit… bitch!

I begin reading my recently purchased (by recently purchased I mean ’stolen from my roommate’) book, Sarah Silverman’s The Bedwetter. I could careless how long the train takes as I have a funny book in hand and my iPhone is shuffling between The National’s albums. Everything is gravyyyyy, until I decide to look up and see a pregnant women leaning against the door. She looks tired, out of breath, and is holding her back in discomfort. I think to myself.

• Me: Really? What the shit! I know she’s pregnant, but serious, my feet are killing me. (I see the bum on the bike start rubbing his belly like he’s hungry, while simultaneously pointing to her stomach) I should give her this seat. Dammit. I have to work another double tomorrow, I need the rest. (I see her rub her stomach like she’s in pain. I continue having a debate in my head, but end up doing what I think is right. I get up and look at her).
• Me: Hey ma’am, you can have the seat.
• Pregnant Lady: (not expecting my act of generosity) Really?
• Me: Yeah you need it more than me.
• Pregnant Lady: (as she walks to the seat) Well that’s kind of you. I was really gassy–
• Me: You don’t have to explain. I’m sure at your stage of pregnancy just standing up for a couple minutes hurts.
• Pregnant Lady: Bitch I ain’t pregnant!
• Me: Huh?
• Pregnant Lady: (looking at bike riding bum) This little twerp just called me pregnant! (The bum blinks his eyes a couple times and begins licking the tires on his bike) Punk bitch, get your shit straight. I’m thick and I’m proud. (She throws her hands up) Say something, bitch. I dare you. I’ll straight up fart on your faggot ass.

I didn’t say anything. I was scared of her. I didn’t want to get farted on. What I earlier saw as a tender pregnant woman in pain, was now a fat, ghetto bitch, with a gold tooth (could have been a popcorn kernel) and tattoo that read, “I’ll kill a nigga for a Kit Kat” on her left thigh. I put my head down and pretended to continue reading my book, as the train conductor got on the intercom and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, due to construction, trains will be operating at much slower speeds than normal. We apologize for the inconvenience.” Laughing like a maniac and barking at children, the bum started trying to ride his bike around the train. I couldn’t concentrate on the book and wanted to see if the woman was still grilling me. I looked up to see the gassy ghetto woman sound asleep in my seat. The train came to a halt under the East River. I sighed to myself. My feet hurt.

Never Giving Up My Seat Again,

Daniel Dickey

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I really need to get on a better sleeping schedule. Currently it’s 5:26 in the morning and I’m laying in bed, listening to music and binge eating several boxes of pizza rolls. Though only slightly, the sun is starting to peek through my bed sheet curtains. This is the 10th night I have done this and I’m finding it is quickly becoming the norm. Everyday I dick around, play pogs, eat chips, go to the gym, sell shoes on ebay and then fall asleep around 9:30pm. I then wake up anywhere between 12:00pm and 1:00am wide awake and wired. Usually the house smells like marijuana, as my roommate has gotten home from work, smoked, and is listening to, “The Best of Blondie” before telling me about something ‘going down’ on Facebook and then falling asleep. From there I usually write emails, download tv shows, and fall asleep watching Netflix. I’ve tried them all tonight… none have worked. I’m wide awake and googling, ‘What time does Target open?’ I think I’m going to go grocery shopping and then just sleep on one of the couches at Target until they kick me out. Yeah, that sounds good.

Wide awake,

Daniel Dickey

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Got a new girlfriend. Totally in love. This is me hanging with/on her at my mom’s house.

What should I write here,

Daniel Dickey

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My bike was stolen last Tuesday from north 3rd and Havemeyer in front of a bookstore. It’s a silver cruiser with thick black racing spokes and a black seat and has the name Todd written on the handle bars. It was really expensive and I really want to get it back. There’s a $200 reward. No questions asked. Cash on the spot. Call at *** *** **** or email me at ***********@******.

From: Thomas Foolery
Date: Sun, July 25, 2010 at 11:03am
To: comm-83jem-2948333129@craigslist.org
Subject: Stolen Bike

Found it.

Thomas

From: comm-83jem-2948333129@craigslist.org
Date: Sun, July 25, 2010 at 11:14am
To: Thomas Foolery
Subject: Stolen Bike

Oh my god, GREAT! Where and when can I meet you?

From: Thomas Foolery
Date: Sun, July 25, 2010 at 1:05pm
To: comm-83jem-2948333129@craigslist.org
Subject: Stolen Bike

Yeah it was chilling in front of some pole and I knew it was the bike you described. I even took a picture of it to make sure.

Thomas

From: comm-83jem-2948333129@craigslist.org
Date: Sun, July 25, 2010 at 1:08pm
To: Thomas Foolery
Subject: Stolen Bike

How the fuck does that look like the bike I described?

From: Thomas Foolery
Date: Sun, July 25, 2010 at 6:06pm
To: comm-83jem-2948333129@craigslist.org
Subject: Stolen Bike

Dude are you blind or just dumb? Anyone could see they painted it and changed the stickers to fool you. Open your eyes.

Thomas

From: comm-83jem-2948333129@craigslist.org
Date: Sun, July 25, 2010 at 9:50pm
To: Thomas Foolery
Subject: Stolen Bike

That’s a quarter the size of my bike you moron.

From: Thomas Foolery
Date: Sun, July 25, 2010 at 10:17pm
To: comm-83jem-2948333129@craigslist.org
Subject: Stolen Bike

Obviously they shrunk it. You paying cash or credit?

Thomas

From: comm-83jem-2948333129@craigslist.org
Date: Sun, July 25, 2010 at 11:36am
To: Thomas Foolery
Subject: Stolen Bike

Fuck off.

From: Thomas Foolery
Date: Mon, July 26, 2010 at 12:19pm
To: comm-83jem-2948333129@craigslist.org
Subject: Stolen Bike

Listen I was just kidding man. I didn’t think you’d get so worked up. I really do have the bike though and would love to get it back to you. Sorry about my sense of humor. I thought it would be funny to joke around, but I think things got carried away. Saw-we ;0(

Thomas

From: comm-83jem-2948333129@craigslist.org
Date: Mon, July 26, 2010 at 2:04pm
To: Thomas Foolery
Subject: Stolen Bike

It wasn’t funny, but I’m just happy someone found it. When and where did you find it?

From: Thomas Foolery
Date: Mon, July 26, 2010 at 2:12pm
To: comm-83jem-2948333129@craigslist.org
Subject: Stolen Bike

Last Tuesday… on the corner of north 3rd and Havemeyer… in front of a book store. The idiot didn’t even lock it up. LOL what a dumbass! Right? What a DUMBASS!

Thomas

From: comm-83jem-2948333129@craigslist.org
Date: Mon, July 26, 2010 at 2:15pm
To: Thomas Foolery
Subject: Stolen Bike

I’ll kill you if I ever find you you IECE OF SHIT.

From: Thomas Foolery
Date: Mon, July 26, 2010 at 3:10pm
To: comm-83jem-2948333129@craigslist.org
Subject: Stolen Bike

It might take a while… you know, having to walk everywhere. Look for me though… I’ll be on a silver cruiser with thick black racing spokes and a black seat with the name Todd scratched out on the handle bars.

Side Note: I’m not exactly sure what a ‘iece of shit’ is? Is it similar to a piece of shit?

Thomas

From: Thomas Foolery
Date: Mon, July 26, 2010 at 4:15pm
To: comm-83jem-2948333129@craigslist.org
Subject: Stolen Bike

Ok, so I was sort of being a dick earlier and feel pretty bad about it. I want to help you find your bike and was thinking maybe if you posted this picture of you in front of your bike it would help expedite the search!

Good luck,

Thomas

From: comm-83jem-2948333129@craigslist.org
Date: Mon, July 26, 2010 at 4:51pm
To: Thomas Foolery
Subject: Stolen Bike

I’m getting REAL FUCKING PISSED. Don’t email me again.

From: Thomas Foolery
Date: Mon, July 26, 2010 at 4:54pm
To: comm-83jem-2948333129@craigslist.org
Subject: Stolen Bike

Oh my god… I can totally understand why you are so pissed… I sent the wrong picture. Saw-weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Thomas

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